thank you for the fav. ^^

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"I almost cried, but I was wearing mascara, so i decided against it." -Iz

Thanks for the Watch

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“There’s a calm before the storm, and my western front is quiet I got Rembrandt at my right hand, solo as my pilot”
"I found no people for killing time, so I found time for Killing people"

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My inner child is not wounded.
Shannen Doherty

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O'Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

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Num num num.
SPAI SAPPIN MAH SPEEHSS MAHREEENS!
POOM.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.-Adam Savage
All war is deception. -Sun Tzu
If we don't end war, war will end us. - H. G. Wells
Heaven means to be one with God. - Confucius